When does anything work out the way you think it will?

In a society that says, ‘Put yourself last,’ self-love and self-acceptance are revolutionary.

- Brene Brown

When does anything work out the way you think it will?

I will be honest. As I write this, I feel 100% miserable. Which is strange, because after almost three weeks of having a heavy cold, this is the first day I have felt able to exercise. The very thing everyone screams will help with mood ‘MOVE YOUR BODY’. So I did. I wrapped up in full wet weather gear, wooly hat and gloves, and I walked Stanley, my Border Terrier at 7.30 am this morning. Once I was back I did forty minutes pilates. I then meditated. It is now 13.59 pm and I am sat here feeling more miserable than I have in a really long time.

I am writing this in the hope that I will be able to process my feelings as they are unfolding.

I am feeling let down.

I have made choices recently that have dramatically changed my life, and effected the people closest to me. Now I sit here, rather dramatically feeling like my dreams are crumbling around me.

Circumstances that are out of my control may mean that I am not be able to continue with my current place of study, and I will have to look into alternative options. This will mean starting from scratch. I have remained optimistic over the last few weeks that the situation would be resolved. Today however, it is looking less likely as communication has broken down. I feel I would be in a better world, if there was honesty and transparency from the start. If something can’t be delivered, it is better to simply say that. The alternative offers false hope. Delays the inevitable. Causes anxiety and ultimately drags out letting people down.

I have spent about half an hour crying simply out of frustration at the situation. I feel stuck and I just feel sad. I am sleeping badly, and having dreams that are peppered with worst case scenarios.

I know that this will all be resolved one way or the other. I know in a year from now, this will be a “Do you remember the time when…” conversation. I also know that I will rise from this chair, and take my beautiful pup for his evening walk in the cold crisp autumn air. I will cook a lovely wintery dinner for my husband, and we will snuggle up on the sofa and he will make me smile. But until then, I am going to sit in the uncomfortable sadness that I am feeling. Things don’t always work out the way you think they will. When that happens it is okay to allow yourself to feel bloody miserable. To allow big snotty tears to wrench through your body from frustration. When I started to write this, I was feeling 100% miserable. But you know what? I am already starting to feel a little brighter.

Things often don’t work out the way you think they will. Woody Allen famously said “If you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans.” Life is tough. But there is always a reason. You just might not know what it is yet.

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