I'm back!

Let us live like flowers.

Wild and beautiful and drenched in sun.

- Ellen Everett

Well that was a long few weeks for me!

I got ill while my husband was away with work. I assumed it was just a cold. But it just got worse and worse. The stop point for me was when I had to drag myself out to get more medicine, because I had run out. I nearly fainted twice in the pharmacy. I got back into the car. I was driving around a roundabout, with another car up my bum. I suddenly felt really sick. The realisation and the act were moments apart. I didn’t have time to think, to pull over, to stop, even to turn my head. It just flew out. Projectile all over the steering wheel, all over me, all over the dashboard.

Okay. I still need to get home. I’m now so ill and sad that I am in tears. I want my husband home. I want my mum. More than anything I want to not be in this car.

That was the moment I realised I wouldn’t be able to make it to work tomorrow. So I went to the doctors, to quickly get sent to the hospital. “You have flu.” They said. After numerous bloods, chest X-rays and more. “Nothing we can do. Rest, paracetamol and lots of fluid.” I felt awful for even going to the hospital. How many others have I infected sat there coughing and spluttering. I didn’t think it was flu, because I had been to work the week before. Albeit feeling terrible, but I had dragged myself out of bed and gone.

Getting ill is a real pain in the arse. It makes me feel bad on so many levels. Commitments I can’t keep. I feel guilty. Work responsibilities. I feel guilty. Supporting others. I feel guilty. These are just the external guilts. I was getting into a rhythm with my fitness. That’s out. Guilty. Just feeling generally sad about being ill. Guilty. No blog. Guilty. It is a mindless haze of resentment and selfpity.

But as I am writing this, 19 days after I first got sick, I am finally starting to feel like myself again.

We can be really hard on ourselves. We can be especially hard on ourselves when we are in the most need of care and compassion. We can’t hurry our bodies to heal.

When we get ill our body is literally screaming “SLOW DOWN.” And when we don’t, we inevitably prolong the illness. What our body is ultimately craving is rest. Say the word out loud. “Rest.” As I sit here and type the word now, it gives me a sense of calm. I have acknowledged out loud what my body was screaming for inside and it makes me feel calm.

Take care when you are not feeling good. Your body will always tell you what it needs. It is your job to listen. Try to look after yourself like you would look after someone you love.

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